Episode 56: The Courage to Accept: Navigating Life's Challenges with Grace
Dr. Ray Mitsch elucidates the profound concept of acceptance, a pivotal theme that underpins our understanding of self and others, particularly in the context of personal struggles such as health challenges. He articulates that acceptance is not merely a passive acknowledgment, but rather a courageous act of embracing oneself and others as they are, irrespective of the complexities that may accompany their circumstances. This discourse draws heavily on his own experiences with cancer, emphasizing that true acceptance paves the way for meaningful change and deeper relationships. Mitsch encourages listeners to reflect on their own perceptions of acceptance, particularly how it intertwines with notions of approval and control. Ultimately, he posits that the courage to be known is intrinsically linked to the acceptance of one’s true self and the reality of one's experiences. The poignant discourse presented by Dr. Ray Mitsch in this episode of the Courage to be Known podcast delves into the intricate concept of acceptance, particularly in the context of personal struggles and the human experience of grappling with cancer. Dr. Mitsch articulates the profound wisdom imparted by his mentor, Brennan Manning, emphasizing the vital truth that one must embrace the reality of being loved by God as one is, rather than as one ought to be. This episode serves as a reflective exploration of the multifaceted nature of acceptance, distinguishing between the acceptance of a person and the endorsement of their choices, thereby challenging the listener to confront their preconceived notions about acceptance and its implications in relationships. Furthermore, Dr. Mitsch shares his personal journey as he navigates the complexities of living with cancer while striving to maintain a connection with his audience through candid reflections on his health and spiritual journey, thereby embodying the essence of courage in vulnerability.
Takeaways:
- Dr. Ray Mitsch shares his personal journey with cancer and the significance of acceptance in the healing process.
- The podcast delves into the complexities of acceptance, emphasizing that it does not equate to condoning negative behaviors.
- Mitsch reflects on how writing helps him process his experiences and offers encouragement to others facing similar challenges.
- He discusses the importance of being known by God and oneself as central to personal growth and transformation.
- The episode highlights the necessity of embracing one's current state to facilitate meaningful change in life.
- The concept of acceptance is explored in both personal and relational contexts, illustrating its foundational role in navigating grief and pain.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Foreign.
Speaker A:You're listening to the Courage To Be known podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Dr. Ray Mitch.
Speaker A:Thanks for joining us.
Speaker A:We will start in just a moment.
Speaker A:Well, welcome and greetings to everyone for a next edition of the Courage To Be Known podcast.
Speaker A:It has been much delayed.
Speaker A:I will spare you the travelogue as to what has been the intervening events.
Speaker A:It has included a gracious retirement party for my family and a lot of people showing up for that.
Speaker A:That was delightful and heart filling in a lot of ways and humbling.
Speaker A:And then a few days after that a memory lane trip for Linda and I to go to Upper Michigan and back again and other trips and movement and 4th of July and etc.
Speaker A:Etc.
Speaker A:So one note for those that are listening and are wondering about what my medical status is, I landed on the idea of letting anyone who wants to know, letting them keep up to date with my medical status and health status through substack.
Speaker A:And so my current substack is Dr. Raymich.substack.com and it's all one word.
Speaker A:Dr. Raymich.substack dot com and it is there that you can follow the series called News that Changes Everything from day zero all the way up to where we are now with facing the second round of radiation that I have on my femur, which is tomorrow, and the impact that it has and my reflections on that.
Speaker A:It really is one way I think for me to process what I'm experiencing.
Speaker A:I'm sure there are a lot of other people that you bump into or know who have cancer and I'm hoping that those words would be encouraging to them and empowering to them.
Speaker A:There are a lot of ways that we don't speak the things that we are wrestling with.
Speaker A:I am a prime candidate of that as well.
Speaker A:I do it more easily through writing.
Speaker A:My thoughts crystallize through writing.
Speaker A:And so that is a important part for me of my own treatment is to try to make sense of it in light of my relationship with God and also my family and everyone else that I come into contact with.
Speaker A:And there probably are a few suggestions along the way for people that are trying to be empathic and don't know how that are embedded in some of the articles.
Speaker A:The other series, if you want to call it that, it's not really, but it is a collection of writings around dealing with and living with cancer.
Speaker A:And so it's not part of the News that Changes Everything series.
Speaker A:It's a separate series.
Speaker A:It doesn't really have a name.
Speaker A:It fits into the overall title, Notes from The Shadowlands, living with grief and sorrow and cancer.
Speaker A:And so that's what I have spent my time on mostly this summer.
Speaker A:I have had the delight of having my grandson Henry under roof since the 4th of July.
Speaker A:Ish.
Speaker A:And it has been.
Speaker A:He is a live wire and he has given me a lot of life and something to focus on other than my lack of energy, my poor sleep, and all the list of side effects that I have.
Speaker A:So now back to kind of the agenda, if you will.
Speaker A:The the Courage To Be Known podcast was meant to be a guest driven podcast.
Speaker A:With the complications with my health, I have not been able to pursue leads with people that I can interview.
Speaker A:There are a couple different people I would like to interview that are higher profile so they're harder to get at.
Speaker A:And then there are just some normal everyday folks that you would typically bump into on the street and not really think much of it, but they are there to really share their journey of being known not only by God and by others, but also by themselves and what it actually looks like.
Speaker A:So that's the overall vision of doing this podcast at all.
Speaker A:That's not been accomplished yet.
Speaker A:And until that time, I have plenty to talk about that I think is related to this, the challenge of being known.
Speaker A:Because I've had my own challenges.
Speaker A:I have this propensity personally to turtle, if you know what I mean, and pull my head in and pull everything in and just try to survive the assault of whatever it is that's coming at me.
Speaker A:And that's not a good way to handle it, quite honestly.
Speaker A:And I have to unlearn some very old habits of coming out and speaking it and putting words to it.
Speaker A:And usually in some cases with the most recent challenge I've had, there are tears, lots of tears around it, partly because of the impact of, of what I am considering, the decisions that I'm considering around my health.
Speaker A:And so in the meantime, until I can get some guests scheduled and we can get on some kind of schedule like that, and in order to keep the string alive or the thread of connection that I have with the people that are left listening to this podcast, I have plenty to talk about when I have the energy to do so.
Speaker A:And today is one of those days.
Speaker A:And so what I want to take some time to talk about is something as simple as the word accept.
Speaker A:And it has been central to a lot of what I teach when it comes to shame and grace.
Speaker A:I have been impacted by the word accept because of the time that I spent being mentored by Brennan Manning and one of the things he would constantly say, not constantly, but he would say frequently, is take the risk of accepting the fact that God loves you as you are, not as you should be, because you're never going to be what you should be.
Speaker A:Now, there are three different aspects to accept and acceptance that I think is worth paying attention to and talking a little bit about.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:The idea that God accepts me as I am is a little unnerving.
Speaker A:I think there are a lot of people, and there's actually, at least in the church I go to, has a song that God accepts you where you are but doesn't leave you there.
Speaker A:And that would be God, that wouldn't be us.
Speaker A:And so I want to unpack this a little bit just so that we can be clear and realize that how enculturated this word has become in how we see things.
Speaker A:And I think actually it's tied up in a lot of ways with our sense of control and knowing what's best for someone else, everything that goes with it.
Speaker A:So before I do that, let me.
Speaker A:Let me do some definitions here, because I think it's really pretty important.
Speaker A:If you're going to have a conversation with somebody, then let's make sure that we define the terms that we're talking about here, rather than assuming that the terms that we're talking about are exactly the same, because usually they're not an acceptance and accepted and accept being accepted.
Speaker A:Let me stumble over that is a good example of that.
Speaker A:Because the minute I say I accept someone, I think internally a lot of people will say, so does that mean that you condone or accept their decisions that they make that you don't agree with or the lifestyle that they have that you don't agree with or you think is.
Speaker A:Is sinful?
Speaker A:And it depends on how we're going to define acceptance and how we're going to define accept.
Speaker A:So let me give you a quick overview of that.
Speaker A:Miriam Webster, the Dictionary of Choice, so many, in so many ways actually has probably just under a dozen ways that we use the word accept.
Speaker A:One is to receive willingly or to be able or designed to take hold of a surface that will not accept ink is a good example to give admittance or approval to accepting into one's group, to endure without protest or reaction, accepting certain living conditions that somebody is in to regard as proper or normal or inevitable.
Speaker A:Which is the idea ultimately of.
Speaker A:I am resigned to the fact that something is going to be this way.
Speaker A:So therefore I accept it.
Speaker A:To recognize as true, to accept an explanation, to make a favorable Response to excuse me, accept an offer to agree to undertake, accept a responsibility is a good example.
Speaker A:And then finally assume an obligation to pay.
Speaker A:For example, someone might say, we don't accept personal checks, except there's that same word.
Speaker A:And so this is a very flexible term, actually, in some respects, in the polarized culture that we live in, saying that I accept someone is the equivalent of saying that I agree with all that they do, which I don't believe is true if we're talking about a person, not the choices they make or the lifestyle they lead, or whatever you can think of.
Speaker A:So that's the common definitions of the word accept Biblically, interestingly enough, it occurs 56 different times in the Bible.
Speaker A:And most of it is similar to accepting a gift, Accept my testimony, accept my sacrifice, etc.
Speaker A:And there's also a part of it that is regarding something as proper.
Speaker A:It was an acceptable gift or something like that.
Speaker A:But most of the time, in a lot of cases, it's recognizing something is true.
Speaker A:Now, if you really want to get deep in the weeds, which I will briefly, I won't bore you with it, but if you really want to get deep in the weeds, the actual word itself is apodecami, apodecomai.
Speaker A:And it really indicates that to receive something heartily or to welcome it.
Speaker A:Now, when Paul says in Romans, accept one another as you have been accepted in Christ to the glory of God the Father, accept is that word.
Speaker A:It is abodecomai.
Speaker A:It is to heartily welcome each other just as you have been welcomed.
Speaker A:So what about the people that are not of the faith or not followers of Jesus?
Speaker A:Do we accept them?
Speaker A:And that's really where the rub comes, I think, in a lot of ways, and where I oftentimes get, I don't know, a little sideways about it, because ultimately the thing to keep in mind is I cannot change what I refuse to accept.
Speaker A:Accept, in the sense of something is true, and that is fundamentally the basis of everything I've ever done as a counselor is first and foremost, I have to find a way to accept whatever it is I struggle with.
Speaker A:And accept goes beyond, yes, I know it's true, but accept it in terms of what is the meaning that.
Speaker A:That it has to me.
Speaker A:I had a good friend of mine, we were friends for over three decades, and he had cancer, much like I do.
Speaker A:And he died about three years ago, two years ago.
Speaker A:And when he got the diagnosis, he said to me, as we were talking, he said, I accept the fact that I have cancer.
Speaker A:No, just by way of what he said, tells me everything.
Speaker A:I accept the fact that I have cancer.
Speaker A:And I said, well, that's good.
Speaker A:Denial doesn't necessarily mean I accept the facts of something or that I deny it.
Speaker A:But I said to him, I realize you accept the fact that you have cancer, but what about the meaning that you have cancer?
Speaker A:What does that mean for you, for your present relationships, for your relationship with God, or your relationship with your kids and your family?
Speaker A:What does that mean?
Speaker A:And what impact does it have in terms of how you look into the future?
Speaker A:Which is a dangerous thing to do, by the way.
Speaker A:And so accepting is a complicated term.
Speaker A:And I think in some ways it is actually tied up with something that I think is also very important to take into account, and that is the issue of control.
Speaker A:Now, sometimes I think there are people that believe that I'm just a one trick pony.
Speaker A:That's all I ever talk about, is control.
Speaker A:And I say it all the time.
Speaker A:I point to people and say, control and trust can't coexist, which is true.
Speaker A:And you can accept that.
Speaker A:There, see, there you go.
Speaker A:And so the nature of that really comes up with that.
Speaker A:And so I said, what's accepted?
Speaker A:What's the meaning of it?
Speaker A:And he said, I'm doing everything I can not to look at the meaning of it because I would fall apart.
Speaker A:And I very much relate to that now in the condition and with the health condition that I share, I'm diagnosed with cancer as well.
Speaker A:But what I mean about how acceptance and control comes in is we are absolutely convinced.
Speaker A:And I had this conversation in my own house with my daughter, who's a counselor, and my wife.
Speaker A:And the whole idea here is that if I accept that person, then I don't want them to think, which is a key phrase.
Speaker A:We'll come back to it in a minute.
Speaker A:I don't want them to think that I am condoning everything they do.
Speaker A:Now, why is that such a key phrase?
Speaker A:I don't want them to think.
Speaker A:Now let me put it in a different phrase or a different way.
Speaker A:What if I were to say to you, can you control what someone thinks?
Speaker A:And you would be unequivocally, probably well on your way to answering it.
Speaker A:Before I ever completed my question, you would say, no, of course not.
Speaker A:I can't control what somebody thinks.
Speaker A:But when we assume that our acceptance is the same as condoning and even approving the choices, lifestyle and things that someone does, then we will accept that.
Speaker A:We will not accept that person, the person, because we don't want them to think that we Accept their choices as well.
Speaker A:That is a dangerous proposition because I don't know about you, but what I have found over time is that if I reject what somebody does and the choices they make, then that is tantamount to rejecting them.
Speaker A:Now, is it true?
Speaker A:No, it is not true.
Speaker A:But that's really pretty immaterial in so many ways.
Speaker A:So what happens if I accept that person and they go off and they make choices that I don't approve of, what happens?
Speaker A:And ultimately there's a.
Speaker A:Some sense of responsibility I think people have that believe that if they condone or if they accept the person and they go off and do the same thing over again, then somehow they have.
Speaker A:They have been an accomplice to that.
Speaker A:Now, let me flip the switch or flip the script here for a minute.
Speaker A:On what basis can I help somebody change If I reject them because I'm afraid they'll think that I am supporting all of their choices, so I distance myself or I don't accept them, or I accept them and ultimately leave it up to God and the Holy Spirit to guide the outcome of that acceptance.
Speaker A:See, I believe, and I think I can make a pretty decent case for it, but I believe that Christ accepted people, and that's exactly why they came to Him.
Speaker A:He accepted them where they were.
Speaker A:He accepted them where they were.
Speaker A:As a matter of fact, he not only accepted them where they were, but he also pointed out to them the things that they could change.
Speaker A:A lot of them did, but there are a few that didn't.
Speaker A:And we're not even told of the many that walked away from the Sermon on the Mount unchanged, untouched.
Speaker A:And actually chalking Jesus up to a traveling, traveling preacher that was out of his mind.
Speaker A:And what I have found over the years of sitting with people, walking through some of the hardest things in their lives is my acceptance of them is not the approval of their choices.
Speaker A:My acceptance of them is.
Speaker A:Is a prizing of them as a person.
Speaker A:That's what my acceptance is.
Speaker A:And on that basis, and in that context, change can occur.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Partly because we have lived in a culture for so long that rations are acceptance because we want to see a certain outcome for the person that we are involved with or we have a relationship with, or we're concerned about or whatever that might be.
Speaker A:But if I don't accept where they are, who they are, and what they're struggling with, I will not be able to walk with them as they try to deal with that particular issue, whatever it is.
Speaker A:And so acceptance, accepting the fact that God loves you as you are.
Speaker A:The other issue we have to talk about here is accepting God's love of me, not because I know that it exists, but because I have experienced that love and grace, or accepting the love and grace of people around me, which, again, because of this interplay of acceptance equaling condoning, we oftentimes never feel that.
Speaker A:And then last but not least, and probably the biggest hurdle of all, is how do I accept myself?
Speaker A:Does that mean I will not change?
Speaker A:I would disagree.
Speaker A:I think ultimately the basis of change is accepting myself for where I am and ultimately accepting that I am loved as I am.
Speaker A:It has nothing to do with the future.
Speaker A:It has everything to do with the present.
Speaker A:And our control issues that seem to crop up around this issue have everything to do with our exquisite.
Speaker A:What we think predictive capabilities are, what will happen if we accept a person where they are.
Speaker A:And usually it's if I accept them where they are, they will not change.
Speaker A:Who they are or who they are is a big deal, but what they do.
Speaker A:And I just have never found that in all the time I've spent talking to people.
Speaker A:Accepting them where they are, accepting, accepting them as they are is actually the first step toward changing and actually trusting God's hand in changing them.
Speaker A:And it's all acceptance.
Speaker A:Acceptance is ultimately the issue always, for so much of our lives and what we do.
Speaker A:Do I accept the fact that I have cancer?
Speaker A:Do I accept the fact that I struggle with drinking, or I have a sexual addiction?
Speaker A:Or do I accept that?
Speaker A:And a lot of people say, no, I don't accept the fact that I do.
Speaker A:And that's exactly why change doesn't happen.
Speaker A:So I would make a case, and just to bring this to a close, I would make a case that acceptance is the basis of change, not.
Speaker A:And that would be true in relationships.
Speaker A:That would be true in terms of myself.
Speaker A:And it would be particularly true in accepting that God accepts me where I am, as I am, in order to create the context for me to change and move further toward him and in relationship with him.
Speaker A:And acceptance is that important and that big.
Speaker A:And so I have had many conversations around that.
Speaker A:And that's why I think this is worth knowing.
Speaker A:Because when we talk about the courage to be known, it means accepting the acceptance of another, as strange as that sounds, because it requires trust to believe that we are accepted as we are.
Speaker A:It takes a lot of trust, and that's the basis of change.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I've seen it.
Speaker A:I'm repeating myself, but I have seen it time and time again.
Speaker A:So that's something to think about more than anything else to consider for the short time that we have had together.
Speaker A:So I will bring this to a close.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for joining me.
Speaker A:I really do appreciate it.
Speaker A:We will be back online hopefully once a month least, maybe more depending on my energies.
Speaker A:If you can check all the things out that are still there@sgi-net.com that's home.
Speaker A:There are there's an E course there that you can take advantage of and for the month of August it is free and you can try it and see what you find out and if you like it and make a referral all the better because I will go back to charging a fee for the the course when we get to September.
Speaker A:So it's free for August if you're interested and it can be found on the website under Resources and you'll see E course and that is available for your use.
Speaker A:It is entering into the classroom and hearing me teach about shame and grace and why it's so fundamentally important to consider when we're talking about our own spiritual formation.
Speaker A:So there's that.
Speaker A:If you find these podcasts and materials and resources on the website or the substack that you might be reading, if you find those helpful and want to support my work in SGI and also my writing and what I do in my writing, then please feel free to donate and the donation link is right there on the homepage.
Speaker A:You can say how much you want to give or for how long and you are more than welcome to do so.
Speaker A:I would be ever so grateful for that since it is I'm still a one man show and I've got a lot of things to do in terms of not only dealing with the cancer but also just teaching and all the other things that come along with teaching and etc.
Speaker A:Etc.
Speaker A:So I would be ever so grateful for your monetary support if you feel so led to do that.
Speaker A:The announcement I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast today was that I am nuts enough to start another podcast.
Speaker A:Let me just put it that way.
Speaker A: of mine who who graduated in: Speaker A:And I had just finished watching with my students in the grief and loss class Tuesdays with Maury and she looked at me with a playful little glint in her eye and said, you know what you should do is you should do Mondays with Mitch.
Speaker A:And because a lot of what happens in my class classroom, and you'll see it if you listen to any of the E course is that I say more and think of more things to teach about when I'm asked a question.
Speaker A:And so it is similar.
Speaker A:I don't even pretend to put myself in the same category as Maury Schwartz or the stature that he had as a professor.
Speaker A:But it is an opportunity for people to ask questions about life and living and relationship with God, self and others and any other topic.
Speaker A:In regards to my recovery, not really recovery, my journey with cancer, things that come up in the substack they may want clarification for.
Speaker A:You can ask questions.
Speaker A:There is a form on the website under Resources that is entitled Mondays with Mitch and you can put a question in there and then I will take and compile whatever questions I get and I will then address one or two of them on on the podcast.
Speaker A:Now it is not.
Speaker A:This is not real original.
Speaker A:It will post Mondays as I get enough questions and I will post it then.
Speaker A:And then when I have enough questions, I'll post it again on another Monday.
Speaker A:But it will be about those various topics of life and living and God and all the other things that have been I have had the opportunity to learn about, to learn myself about, but also to walk with people through as well.
Speaker A:So you are invited to join in.
Speaker A:There will be an inaugural podcast soon, either next week or the week after, explaining all this again so that everybody's on board and on the same page.
Speaker A:And then off we go into the wild blue yonder.
Speaker A:If you have a question, post it and I will be more than happy to answer it for you as best I know how.
Speaker A:So I think that pretty much covers everything.
Speaker A:And if you have questions, you can always put it in a comment and leave it for me on the website.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for joining me.
Speaker A:You have my deepest gratitude for joining me.
Speaker A:And until next time, love you later.
Speaker A:Bye.
